“WhatsApp,” hissed Vladimir into his iPhone. And Yanukovych made yet another horrible decision, feigning ignorance, answering lightheartedly, “Not much muchacho, whassup with you?” Putin went silent, in utter disgust, torturing his stooge. And unable to stomach the pregnant pause any longer, Yanukovych broke the silence, “Vladimir, did I lose you comrade, can you hear me?” The former KGB agent answered slowly, growling softly, “WhatsApp you imbecile, that’s whassup.” Then Putin quietly considered the vast scope of his Kiev miscalculation, the impossibility of a clean exit from that trade, and continued. “Perhaps it is I who am imbecile Vicktor, it is I who paid $15bln bailout bribe to idiot Ukrainian president, for loyalty, for fealty, and for this I get godforsaken revolution, while little Mark Schmuckerberg, prancing around in hoodie, pays $16bln bribe to Ukrainian programmer and gets what?” asked Putin, rhetorically, losing his cool. “He gets WhatsApp, this is what!” shrieked Vladimir.
Of course, Putin’s rage went far deeper than matters of mere money. You see, Zuckerberg’s the envy of every dictator. His big-data servers hold more personal info than the KGB ever dreamt possible; his treasure trove of compromising photographs would make the most steely-eyed Stasi blush. To add insult to injury, Zuckerberg $16bln bribe for control of a virtually free app, built upon the sanctity of personal privacy, consolidated his position as Global Minister of Information, quashing his rivals, and Facebook’s market capitalization rose $4bln to a record high. It wasn’t alone. Google hit new highs. Tesla too. Because the world of driver-less electric Teslas, powered by Google, dispatched by Uber, fast approaches. In that magnificent future, the fortunes of companies that design sublime software, collect and control terabytes, manipulating them – controlling the masses – will rise to undreamt of heights. And while Putin berated his hapless Ukrainian lackey, every remaining starry-eyed programmer in Ukraine (Russia too) silently slipped away. Bound for America.