First, burn all the cupcake stores…

Sooner or later, this economic slump is going to end and America’s gonna need to get its swagger back.

I can tell you right now that when the time comes, I’m electing myself in charge of kicking out all the things that got us through the forever-recession but now must go.  I’m making a big list of the crutches we’ve leaned on and the wack little guilty pleasures we’ve been nursing since the downturn began.  Someone’s got to put a stop to it.

First, burn all the cupcake stores.  I was reading yesterday about someone from Bridgewater (Ray Dalio’s shop) who left the hedge fund in order to open up a bakery.  And the name of her bakery is – I kid you not – Double or Muffin.  I’ve had quite enough.  Crumbs just went public and there are so many gourmet cupcake shops in NYC they’re opening them inside of each other.  And have you looked around?  Does it look like we need more buttercream frosting?  Is that helping matters?  I get the whole “affordable luxury” thing but I can’t wait for the return of plain old unaffordable luxuries again.  Like Ferraris and 8 lb lobsters served on a bed of conflict diamonds.  You can keep your little red velvet pity-grenades.

Second, no more pussy music.  This Somebody That I Used To Know song is making my ears bleed, I have two whining kids already.  Gotye needs to be banned from our borders permanently.  Why does Kanye need his own Goat anyway, never understood that.  Oh, and also, this Bon Iver stuff has to be ripped right out of our lives yesterday.  Have you heard this navel-gazing shit?  Bon Iver sounds like he’s trying to fingerbang a pine tree.  I wouldn’t mind seeing some rock bands get back into the Top 40 at some point before I’m dead.

One other thing, no more singing and dancing shows on TV.  I understand that when half the country is underemployed, they love living vicariously through talent show participants achieving their dreams.  But when the economy turns, can we please go back to laughing at this shit?  Can you imagine Glee coming on TV in the mid-90’s?  We would’ve looked up the studio’s address and done a drive-by egging, every one of those kids would be stuffed in a locker.

OK, carry on.