The other night, I was meeting someone in a bar that I’d only previously exchanged emails with. He had texted me that he was on his way and asked me “what do you look like?”
Well, because I’m semi-demented, this question of how I should describe myself led to an entire tangent in which each possible answer was funnier than the last. So rather than respond to him (let him figure it out), I spent the next ten minutes writing some of the most ridiculous descriptions of myself that I could think of.
Consider this my offering at the altar of self-deprecation, but here’s “what I look like”…
1. Biff Tannen from Back to the Future
2. The new James Bond, but if he was really into Oreos
3. The bad guy in every 80’s movie, minus the tattoos and the abs
4. That Russian from Rocky IV, but if he lost the directions to the workout complex
5. Big Bird
6. That kid from Hanson in the year 2020
7. the human manifestation of cookie dough ice cream
8. A giant Peep that’s been subjected to gamma rays, comicbook-style
9. Gary Busey, but if he was addicted to carbs instead of crack cocaine
I could’ve come up with others, but then my drink arrived followed by my guest. And the self-loathing had to be put on ice while Daddy talked business.