According to the Wall Street Journal, banking bonuses will hit $145 billion for 2009, a well-justified figure when you consider the heroic sacrifices Wall Street execs made in order to get interest rates dropped to zero forever.
Rather than complain about this windfall to our nation’s best and brightest and most scrupulous, why not focus on how YOU can get in on the action?
Here’s my guide to to recieving your share of Bonuspalooza. Now get out there and Be Somebody!
Do: Own a Maserati dealership in Westchester County or an upscale french bathing suit store on Madison Avenue.
Don’t: Live too far from a major bankopolis like New York City or Charlotte, North Carolina. If your neck of the woods is not all banked up, you probably won’t share in the “recovery”.
Do: Give $600 haircuts or operate an upscale men’s spa complete with champagne-soaking tubs.
Don’t: Have a need for apartment rents and condo prices to remain at reasonable levels, for your competing bidders will now return to the negotiating table with unlimited funds once again.
Do: Offer $22 Martinis and $95 kobe beef burritos on your restaurant’s lunch menu.
Don’t: Allow non-members of the banktocracy, who’ve helped you make it through the recession, onto the premises anymore. A-list only again.
Do: Restart your personal shopper/ dog masseuse/ personal dog shopper agency. The customers’ bank accounts have been recharged as though nothing has happened.
Don’t: Waste any more time looking for a job, the middle class is now free to resume its slave labor role now that the banking elites have gotten their groove back. You will be summoned for your tasks shortly.