It’s me: Josh…the You from 10 years from now, using the latest technology from Google to send an email to you from the future. Don’t freak out.
Anyway, I’m just writing to let you know that the next ten years will be wacky, but everything turns out ok. For regulatory reasons, I obviously couldn’t include any market or investing info in this email, but don’t worry, you’ll have your share of winners and losers over the next decade and you’ll be a better person for them.
There are some things I will let you in on, however, that may be helpful to keep in the back of your mind.
First of all, unemployment eventually gets better. New industries crop up from the ashes of the 20th Century’s industries, just be patient. Oh, and you may want to brush up on your Mandarin if you’d like to work in any of these new industries.
Second, the entire two-party political system dissolved back in 2016. The corporate takeover of politics is complete and we are united as a nation under President Dimon. We now vote for all laws by proxy as though they are corporate resolutions, with an annual meeting for voters (citizen shareholders) held each year at a Hyatt of some sort in Delaware. When “value” fails to be created under President Dimon’s administration, Senators Loeb, Icahn and Ackman mobilize for the voters.
The High Frequency Trading issue is eventually resolved. Low Frequency Trading, i.e. Investing, becomes banned and only short-term trading is permitted under the new regulations. 401(k) allocations are now texted in via cellphone from account holders during cab rides to and from their second and third jobs.
Bonuses are now referred to as what they really are: Tributes. This terminology just made more sense as taxpayers are basically forced to pay them, in constant fear that these irreplaceable execs may up and leave us with no one talented enough to answer emails at a lending institution. Thus, annual tributes to the nobles are paid, even when corporations find themselves insolvent. They just get it from the IRS.
The Mutual Fund versus ETF debate is also resolved; Ultimately, two thirds of all gimmicky ETFs are shut down due to lack of assets under management, the remaining ones are acquired by traditional mutual fund families who do what they do best – they market the snot out of them.
Speaking of funds, Bill Miller is in the news lately, he’s currently enjoying his 9th “Comeback”. Interesting how a guy running a supposed “Value” fund only puts up numbers in a “Growth” market environment.
In a few years, you’ll see Berkshire Hathaway make some bizarre biotechnology acquisitions. Everyone will scratch their heads at the time, but what ends up happening is that Warren Buffett clones himself for the benefit of his shareholders. Warren Jr is currently being groomed and schooled in each line of business, from Justin Boots to GEICO.
Hedge funds are now 100% offshore. They have all relocated from Greenwich to Greenland, a country with zero securities laws on the books. This has allowed the enterprising hedge fund manager the freedom to use his “edge”, be it inside information, color, frontrunning, favors owed, political connections or astrology in pursuit of returns. But they’re freezing their asses off.
Also, you should probably wean yourself off of the Knicks, btw. Yes, they’ll get LeBron, but halfway through his first NY season, he gets wrapped up in a new religion that doesn’t allow him to play basketball. The Dolan’s will have to pay him out his full contract unfortunately, so there’s another $200 mil down the drain. Oopsies!
Your website really takes off soon as well. There will be numerous offers for you to endorse specific financial products or services for money, but your integrity stays intact. The Reformed Broker remains forecast-free and incorruptible as a running commentary of the markets. In a few years, you will even get around to updating that dopey picture of yourself on the “About” page.
Oh, no flying cars yet, but wait til you see (taste) what we put in our engines! I won’t spoil it for you, but get ready to ROFLYAO.
Gotta go, market’s opening. Keep fighting Josh, we’re gonna win!
– Josh Brown, November 12th 2019