Things To Do Instead Of Attending Your Neighbor's Tea Party Rally

The Tea Party movement has been spared my ridicule thus far…Until now.

I caught a Fox News town hall-esque State of the Tea Party program hosted by Glenn Beck this weekend and my abdominal muscles ached from all the cringing this broadcast induced. This was a nationally-televised moron-a-thon in the round.

Its not that I am completely divorced from some of the views espoused by the nascent Tea Party phenomenon. Rather, its the embarrassment I feel for 95% of the participants that puts me off so acutely. Uneducated and easily swayed, most of them are simply being swept up in the most pathetic episode of faux-folksy, grassroots socio-political marketing abuse since the Ross Perot Scare of 20 years ago.

In an attempt to spare you the humiliation you are sure to feel in the near-future as a result of having been caught at one of these sh#tshows, I’ve put together a helpful list of alternate activities you can pursue rather than carrying a misspelled sign in a parade of fools who aren’t smart enough to know when they’re in a discussion that’s way over their heads.

Here are Things To Do Instead Of Attending Your Neighbor’s Tea Party Rally:

• 1. Study up on previous periods of economic turmoil and formulate a plan to benefit from the unintended consequences of our current situation, which is entirely out of your control anyway, John Q. American Idol-watcher.
• 2. Register for a Twitter account, pick an interesting avatar image, and try not to piss off Howard Lindzon or Ashton Kutcher by replying to their every digital sneeze…after all, Howard and Ashton are the King and Queen, respectively, of Twitter.
• 3. Head to Home Depot for an SUV-full of wainscoting supplies. Pick up six or seven illegal migrant workers in the designated section of HD’s parking lot and do your part to stimulate the Mexican economy.
• 4. Rent the season two DVD set of “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” to get yourself up to speed with the funniest show on television. Why not season 1? The show didn’t really come into it’s own until Danny DeVito became a full-time cast member.
• 5. Stop getting your business news from USA Today and start reading the likes of John Mauldin and Richard Russell if you truly have an interest in understanding the economy.
• 6. Take advantage of seasonality and go shopping for heavily-discounted Halloween costumes, Christmas lights and super-furry Ugg boots.
• 7. Finish that novel you started last year about the coming-of-age of a conscientious young idealist, set in whatever era you actually came of age in (people will want to read about your childhood, really, they will).
• 8. Attend a comic book convention if you truly must be in an environment where everyone around you is an expert on good-versus-evil.

I was going to go to ten, but stopped here as I realized that there are probably 50 million more worthwhile things you could do than get suckered into this pseudo-populist nonsense. When your neighbors or co-workers email you a link to one of these events, be sure to reach for this list of alternatives or start making your own.

Thanks for reading.