To: Global Little League Group, Tee Ball Training Staff, Equipment Management Department, Pandit’s Bandits Players and Personnel
Subject: Spring Training – Budget Cutbacks to be Enforced Immediately, Fundraising Expected of all Players
Date: January 30, 2009
Dear Pandit’s Bandits Players and Personnel,
It is with a heavy heart that I must announce my absence for the majority of the upcoming Spring Training season to you, my favorite mini-employees of Citigroup. Our sponsorship of the Pandit’s Bandits little league team has brought all of us here at Citi much joy in these dark times of accountability and prudence.
This season, there will be several “downside modifications” to the team’s budget in order to better align our expenditures with the current environment. Please note that the following changes are effective immediately:
Item 1: Transportation to away games will henceforth be conducted via bus. Please have your moms or dads stop by the tarmac at Teterboro to collect any belongings that you may have left on the team jet
Item 2: This year’s uniforms will be not be hand-tailored or bespoke, so please email the equipment manager with one of the following generic sizes: S, M, L, XL
Item 3: Be advised that Michael “Let’s Get Ready to Rumble” Buffer will no longer be available to announce players before games as we were unable to meet his quote
Item 4: Hitting instruction will now take place at the Astoria Indoor Batting Range in Long Island City as opposed to our weekly appropriation of Yankee Stadium
Item 5: Please inform all parents and grandparents that the home game menu has changed. New menu items include hot dogs, peanuts and Crackerjacks. Complementary foie gras burgers, white truffle-topped pizzas, and beluga crepes with creme fraiche and mother-of-pearl spoons will no longer be served in the stands
In addition to these adjustments to our budget, we ask that all players stop by Citi Headquarters to pick up their case of Peanut M&M’s. Any player who is not able to sell out all M&M stock by game day, will not be permitted to take the field. We have observed numerous Little Leaguers throughout the city selling Peanut M&M’s to raise money for their teams and we expect the same of our boys. We’re counting on you all.
We appreciate your cooperation in these difficult times and hope that you will bring home yet another winning record for all of us at Citi Corporate, as victories around here have been very rare of late. I hope to be able to join the team at the earliest possible date and I long for the opportunity to deliver to all players my usual round of hair tousling and (non-threatening) rump slapping as you take the field to make us proud.
Go Get ‘Em, Team!
Chief Executive Officer
399 Park Avenue
New York, New York 10022
(212) 555 5555