New Glossary of Finance Terms Volume II

Back in March, I updated the definitions of several finance terms to better suit the times.  Due to popular demand, I’m bringing this feature back this afternoon and covering a handful of definitions for y’all.

Here’s the New Glossary of Finance Terms Volume II…

Stagflation: This occurs when the number of male deer grows too quickly for the accompanying population of female deer.  Too many stags, way too ‘flated.

Elliot Wave: Responsible for several wipeouts whenever technical analysts attempt to go surfing.  Alternate definition: How former governor Spitzer greets the fans who throng his limo outside Slate’s headquarters.

Contango: An exclamation heard anywhere an Irishman or a Scotsman is being led to the dance floor against his will.  Usage: “I’m sorry darling, I’d love to dance but I simply CONTANGO“.

VWAP: Stands for Volume Weighted Average Price, also known as an excuse that someone who is shorting a stock uses to explain the fact that although the closing price is X, it is somehow really Y.  No one running money for a living can truly get away with this, only newsletter writers.

Buy Program: These are shows, often hosted by Joan Rivers, wherein viewers are induced to make absurd purchases of tacky jewelry and miracle cures for restless leg syndrome.

Recession: A period of time during which stocks put on furious ten-month rallies, accompanied by insane runs higher by bonds and commodities on a global basis.

Here’s Volume I where we update the terms Hedge Fund, Derivative and Bonus:

The New Glossary of Finance Terms (TRB)