So you want to be a Wall Street intern…

My friend Haley Feinberg, Chief Executive Intern at Business Insider, is back with a very useful post for those who are planning on interning on The Street this summer.  For the uninitiated, big firm internships are a rite of passage for those looking to make a career in finance for themselves after graduation – but they can be very tricky indeed.  Haley sorts it all out below, enjoy! – JB

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WHAT’S UP!!!!!  Missed you guys, haven’t posted here since my Davos assignment.  Anygay, I want to talk about some of the do’s and dont’s for your summer internship on Wall Street.  This post is for my homegirls only, if you are a boy intern I probably won’t be of much help so allow me to direct you here instead:  http://www.maxim.com/todays-girl/alice-eve-0

Okay, now that the stupid boys are gone, let’s rock n roll.  Here are the things you need to keep in mind and do and stuff for your Wall Street internship:

First: All men are pigs but Wall Street men are like the Alpha Pigs.  They literally run on spicy tuna rolls and testosterone all day long.  And the more married they are, the bigger pigs they become.  Which is kind of cute, so don’t player hate – player participate!  The married Wall Street pig-men are going to be the key to the summer, they will let you do whatever you want and come and go as you please as long as you smile at them when you ask permission – they are helpless and it’s like the CUteSt ThING on eArTh!

There’s going to be some kind of orientation thing the first day, you should totally go that, they really hate it when you don’t.

It may already be too late if you’ve been hired, but go through your Facebook and Flickr photos and take down any pictures of you on vacation.  Because Wall Street guys are going to look there first for bikini shots, pics of you in the pool, pics of you with your girlfriends on the beach also in bikinis (yes, they’ll stalk your friends too), pictures of you kissing your boyfriend, pictures of you maybe drunkenly hanging all over other girls at a late night party after the Swedish House Mafia concert, etc.  They won’t take the time to look through all of your photo albums, but if they see an album involving bright blue water, they’ll know it’s vacation pics and they will scan it aggressively to see your body.  Here’s a vacay pic of me I had to take down last summer for instance:

Also, don’t accept an invitation to any offsite or “event” that takes place after 6pm or that involves a large number of people who don’t work at the firm itself.  Because this is just “Yo, come out to happy hour later so I can show you how hot my interns are this summer – bro, you have NO idea.  This one chick is a total smokeshow…”  Avoid those invites, super-lame!

Oh yeah, if you see them looking at you and then looking down at their phones, here’s what they’re doing – either they just snapped a cellphone pic of you OR they’re looking through Facebook and stuff for your pics again.  We know this because they can’t access Facebook from their work PCs for “regulatory” reasons, the funny part is that everyone at these firms just goes on their phones and accesses whatever they want anyway.  LOLRegs!

How should you dress?  I don’t know, but don’t go to Ann Taylor The Loft with your mom or something and buy all these horrible dark-gray “lady businessman” pantsuits.  Because no one is going to take you seriously anyway.  Don’t worry, the boy interns aren’t going to be taken seriously either – with all their spiky hair and brand new messenger bags with the tags still on them, LULZ.  The boys will look dopey no matter what – whether they wear suits and ties or just dress Bieber Casual.  And it’s soooo whatever.  So don’t stress it, just make sure your shoulders are out when it’s a sunny, hot day so no one thinks you’re covering up some weird skin thing.

One day (or a lot of days) you will be ridiculously hung over and late to work.  You will be scared to death to walk in after 9 am – but that’s good!  I want you to use that fear, to harness it, and make yourself cry right as you get into the elevator in the lobby.  You need tears streaming down your face so that no one will DARE say a word to you for being late.  Even the catty human resources girls who are like five years older and hate you.  They won’t either.  In a Wall Street office, no one wants to get involved or have a discussion with a crying young girl they barely know.  That’s your get out of jail free card at least the first five times you’re late.

Should you date the intern boys in the program?  Sure, why not?  This is the last chance to see them as sweet and kind – a year or two from now they’ll have joined the ranks of the pigs and then it’s all about “when I make MD…” or “as soon as I make partner…” ya know?  And besides, when else in your life will you ever be 21 and single and not in a serious job and living in NYC?  Go for it!  My sister met her fiancee in the Goldman summer analyst program – “the Junior Emperors” – and even though he travels for work three weeks out of every month, they’re like really happy together.

So good luck with your internship!  Get those creditzzzzz and have a rock star summer in NYC!  XOXOXO and follow me on the twitter!

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Thanks, Haley!

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Greetings from Davos (TRB)