Authorities Break Up Active Management Cell

(Boston, MA) – Local police, working closely with Federal pension fund authorities, arrested three men on Thursday morning while breaking up an active management cell that was on the verge of deviating from the index. Based on early reports from S&P Dow Jones Indices, it could have been the costliest attack on American soil in months.

The men – all Wharton Business School nationals working in Boston’s downtown financial district — allegedly belong to a group with ties to the active management community, according to Morningstar Intelligence.

“At the moment the cell was broken up, its members were fully radicalized and in a phase of total assimilation and commitment to the value investor ideology  – demonstrating their full disposition to carry out non-correlated strategies with high tracking error” the Department of Portfolio Conformity said in a statement.

The joint task force acted because the cell’s members were allocating unpredictably and “had shown full willingness to carry out security selection and research,” according to the agency.

The three men, who are between the ages of 26 and 29, were being interrogated in custody, a Department representative said. Authorities can hold them for up to five days before pressing for full redemption.

Elsewhere, a group of disciples of the Growth at a Reasonable Price sect have been detained in Lower Manhattan for further questioning. “They are suspected of trying to recruit people to attend due diligence meetings with unspecified corporate representatives” the federal prosecutor said in a statement. “Based on the provisional results of the investigation, it appears that they were planning to take advantage of sector dispersion and future earnings releases.”

Asked on the campaign trail about this morning’s developments, Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton renewed her call to not rush to judgment. “We must root out active management extremism while remaining tolerant of all Americans who respect their benchmarks.”

Donald Trump’s message, however, was unmistakable. “We don’t have time for political correctness, folks. Investment managers who stray from MSCI or FTSE-Russell do not share our values. We need to restrict their trading until we find out what’s going on.” Mr. Trump has been calling for a ban on the Ira Sohn Foundation and a wall around Greenwich, CT since his campaign began last June.

As of this morning, no link between the suspects and the Berkshire Hathaway Caliphate have been established. Sources within the intelligence community have mentioned the recovery of a hard drive filled with Seeking Alpha drafts and several StockTwits profiles have been suspended.