The vagaries and nuances of the new New York Times paywall got you down? Here’s how you can get around it.
1. Bump into a guy wearing glasses and a nice suit on the subway, lifting his wallet in the process. Use one of the credit cards in his wallet to set up your subscription.
2. Procure one of those devices they use to lift pianos up the side of a building and have a friend hoist you up. Look through the windows of the building until you come across a person entering their login info, use a fingertip to rub their username and password into the fog of the windowpane until you have it memorized.
3. Break into a college professor’s private office in a liberal part of the country. Madison, WI should do perfectly or Berkeley, CA should suffice in a pinch. Now we’re playing probabilities here, but odds are said professor will be a subscriber, you can rifle through his or her drawers until you find the Post-it with the access info written down.
4. Get a job at the New York Times, even if only as the guy who waters the plants. Work your way up through the ranks over the next several years, earning your colleagues’ trust and weaving yourself into the company firmament task by task, day by day. When the moment is just right (you’ll know!), ask for annual subscription as a condition of your continued employment. It’s crazy – but crazy enough that it just. might. work.
5. Pay the fifteen dollars and move on with your f***in life already. You’ve lost fifteen dollars in ATM fees over the last 2 weeks bro, cough it up and read the stupid newspaper.
Whichever route you go, just please – and this is the key – pleeeeeeaaaase STOP whining about paywalls.
What do you think, Pulitzer Prize winning journalism grows on trees?