How To Delete a Facebook Account

I must’ve been in the mens room or on jury duty when this happened, but apparently, we’ve become a nation of whiners and criers about our precious “privacy”.  This after we’ve all decided to put our own sex tapes online and upload 20 years worth of photos to a semi-protected website built by teenagers.

If I read another article about ‘how to protect your privacy’ or ‘what are your privacy settings’ or ‘how to delete a Facebook account’, I may just jump.

So look, I’ve never had a Facebook account (daddy’s not a joiner), but I’m pretty sure I can help you out with this all-consuming problem.

How To Delete A Facebook Account

Step 1:  Delete it.  A child can do it.  A child with a helmet.

Step 2:  Learn about Web Cache and understand that it may be at least 11 seconds before your page is out of Google’s archives – relax for a second.  Chill.

Step 3:  To be completely sure that your Facebook profile is gone forever, you must drive a wooden stake through the computer that you used when you first registered.

Step 4:  You then must make a pilgrimage to the data center where Facebook is hosted and descend toward the server floor Tom Cruise-like whilst Ving Rhames waits outside in a fire truck.  You will have an earpiece to receive instructions from there.

Step 5:  Resist the urge the next time you think that everyone you know and everyone they know wants to see your pics gallery from that girl you went to high school with’s brother’s wedding.  They don’t.  So don’t re-register your account and upload them.  Just email a handful of pics to your 6 or 7 real friends and move on.

Step 6:  Resist the similar urge to re-login to share “this really cool Maya Angelou quote you came across”.  I promise, your friends and family can make it through the day without reading it.

Step 7:  If these steps do not work, do what any grown-up would do when encountering this problem with another service provider – write to the company and demand that they erase you.  Should only take about 30 seconds and then you won’t need to vent all over the internet about your privacy.

You’re welcome.