How To Have a Perfect Trading Quarter

Since everyone’s either impressed or shocked by the big investment banks’ all announcing zero days of trading losses for the past quarter, I’ll weigh in and explain how this could even be remotely possible…

How To Have a Perfect Trading Quarter

Step 1.  Be yourself! (only if ‘yourself’ happens to be a trader at one of the anointed banks.)

Step 1a:  Don’t forget to smile.  And to convince the government that without an unlimited supply of interest-free capital to ‘get you on your feet’, western civilization might end.

Step 2:  Diet and exercise are crucial.  Also, you should take that interest-free capital and put it to work across all interest-bearing asset classes.  Profit margins begin at 100% and work higher from there.

Step 3:  Maintain a positive attitude.  Also, program the tradebots, which make up 70% of all stock market volume, to push and pull the indexes in the direction of your choice.

Step 4:  Network and meet people!  Also, orchestrate a few dramatic drops and spikes every now and then to assure the best entries and exits possible.

Step 5:  Wrap yourself in the ‘Capitalist’ flag whilst rewarding yourself with profits that were made by trampling on the savings rates of the elderly and the responsible.

Step 6:  Stroke cat, twist moustache ends.  Wear the hell out of that wannabe Steve Cohen fleece vest.  Repeat.

Anyway, in a nutshell, that’s how it’s done.  I’m not gonna start whipping up Bloomberg charts and graphs to prove what everybody already knows.  Trust me, no one trades for 60 or 90 days without being upside-down here and there.

I’m not Zero Hedge and I’m not Paul Volcker.  But I’m in this tape every day, calling ’em as I see ’em.

And I tell the truth like Dr. Ruth.  Perfect trading quarters with no losing days?  Joseph Kennedy himself would be impressed with the audacity.