This is a guest post from my buddy David Blair, you may know him as The Crosshairs Trader. With David’s permission, I’ve posted this funny/true gem in full. Stop by his site and subscribe to his feed, he’s always got good stuff up there.
Have you earned your bachelor’s degree in idiocy?
Stock traders can play the idiot from time to time. How do I know? Because you are reading the work of an idiot. That’s right I am an idiot. I have a degree from IDIOT UNIVERSITY and I have been considered the university’s commencement speaker par excellence on numerous occasions. I do not speak to an empty house, for IDIOT UNIVERSITY has many graduates and the current semester is booked. Here are just a few of the courses offered, all of which I have had the pleasure of taking and passing. Once you pass and move on your trading will never be better. Maybe you can say the same.
1. LOSS AVERSION 101: In this course we study the consequences of not taking a small loss. There is a laboratory session once a week to study the effects of small losses vs big losses and the difference between the two. Lab coats and goggles are required and provided for the occasional tossed keyboards, computer monitors, and cans of soda.
2. BLOW UP 000: How to blow up your account in one trade. No weekly quizzes just one major exam. You either pass it or fail it. You do not get another chance.
3. PROFIT TAKING 101: Determining adequate profit targets without greed or fear. Meets directly across the hall from LOSS AVERSION but on a different day. It is usually recommended to take both courses during the same semester. This course is a prerequisite for RISK VS REWARD 201.
4. STOCK TRADING MATH 201: Study here revolves around understanding what NET PROFIT is and how to calculate it. GAINS – LOSSES – COST OF TRADING – TAXES = NET PROFIT. There, I just gave you the Cliff Notes version.
5. DOLLAR COST GAMBLING 200: Purely a “hands on” class wherein the student buys and sells indiscriminately without the benefit of rules. The odds of making money in this experiment by the end of the semester is about 1 in 1,200,456. The course is a prerequisite for STOCK TRADING MATH 201.
6. RISK VS REWARD 201: Learning the difference between 1:3 and 3:1. The final exam is one essay question wherein the student explains the difference between the two equations in 100 words or less. Hint: the fewer the words the better the grade.
7. ILLOGICAL RATIONALITY 301: This course does not make any sense but is a requirement. After taking this course the student is expected to gain a new understanding of the stock market, whether he or she understands it or not. Understand?
8. NEWSPEAK 301: How to interpret and trade what the hosts, quests, commentators, analysts, and other invited personalities recommend on CNBC. It is for the very short chart inclined. This is a three hour course held five days a week. Daily quizzes are given with a different correct answer possible for the same question depending upon the time given. There is one question on the final exam. I will go ahead and give you the answer without giving you the question: PRESS THE BIG, RED, THREE LETTER BUTTON ON YOUR REMOTE.
9. CALENDAR READING 501: A basic understanding of how to read and use an Earnings Calendar. Although an elective course, students who confuse the stock market with a one armed bandit are encouraged to attend. A field trip to the Vegas strip is included. DICLAIMER: what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, especially your money.
10. EMOTIONAL SURVIVAL TACTICS 505: IDIOT U’s most advanced course. A passing grade is based on a thorough understanding of and experience with fear, greed, anxiety, worry, etc. Extra credit is awarded for those who cry, sweat, experience back pains, headaches, stomach ulcers, and nail biting.
Make sure you register for the next semester as there is always a waiting list. By the way, nepotism will get you no where. Who wants to admit being related to an idiot?