Dear Aspiring Financial Spam Blogger,
Congratulations! You’ve chosen a career in a fast-growing and rewarding industry. The American public is more interested in Wall Street hysterics than ever and there are no shortage of content mills for you to set up shop with!
As the mainstream media pumps out ~ 5000 articles a day, it’s our job to reproduce each and every one of them in a mildly rejiggered format, even if that means contradicting things we may have said just hours earlier. Speed is of the essence, there is no prize awarded for extracting the interesting part of the story, rather the point is to get it live on the site first. This will be great for search engine visibility and it will also free you up to get the next post done quickly as well. And the next one.
Because just about every story has some vague connection to the business world, it is best to simply post every single thing you read so as not to miss an opportunity for a page view. This includes newspaper articles, posts from other blogs, abdominal workout tips from Mens Health, ingredient lists from candy bar wrappers, the last will and testament of your Aunt Edith, TV Guide listings from 1991 including synopses of Full House episodes, liner notes from an Indigo Girls CD and any rumors that may be circulating on Twitter.
People like to read about people that are richer/smarter/prettier than themselves. This maxim is as true in finance blogetry as it is anywhere else. The diligent spam blogger will want to keep in mind the following scoring system for building a widely-read post:
|Your Post Mentions…||Points Scored|
|Jim Cramer, Donald Trump, Lloyd Blankfein||10,000 (more if negatively)|
|John Paulson, David Einhorn, Bill Ackman||5000|
|Nouriel Roubini, Peter Schiff, Jeremy Grantham, Doug Kass, Marc Faber, Bill Gross, Nassim Nicholas Taleb||1000|
|Michelle Caruso-Cabrera, Jenna Lee, Erin Burnette, Becky Quick, Rebecca Jarvis, Melissa Francis, Meredith Whitney, Michelle Meyer||500 (bonus Perv Points awarded if accompanied by images)|
|Gold, China, Silver, Peak Oil, Malthusian Catastrophe, Swine Flu, Plunge Protection Team, Goldman Sachs, AIG, Tyler Durden||200|
|George Soros, Jimmy Rogers, Michael Steinhardt, Carl Icahn, Byron Wien, Barton Biggs, Dennis Gartman||100|
|Maria Bartiromo, Bernie Madoff, Cash For Clunkers||negative 100|
Journalism majors need not apply. We prefer our blogonometrists to be people who like to read headlines and guess what the entire article may be about, ex-banner ad salespeople and anyone with prior experience working for Gawker. Also, if you do not currently reside on the Lower East Side or in Brooklyn, you may want to call a realtor who specializes in the area. Hipster affectations like the wearing of scarves or wool caps in the summer are a plus.
In conclusion, I believe you’ll find the tips above adequate for your entry into the world of financial spam bloggery. If the whole credit crisis/recovery storyline starts to gets old, chin up, because the next world-ending hellstorm is probably brewing somewhere as you read this.
Jason “RockStar23” Schwartzenhirshenfeldbaumbeinsteingoldberger
The Postington Report