Memo: Changes at CNBC Following Comcast Merger

—–Original Message—–
From: CNBC Corporate Communications [mailto: all]
Sent: Thursday, December 03, 2009 7:32 AM
To: All
Subject: Exciting Synergy Opportunities With Comcast

Greetings Gang,

By now, I’m sure you’ve all heard that our parent company’s flirtation with Comcast has moved past the necking phase and we’ve now agreed to go all the way.  I wanted to reassure all CNBC staffers and on-air personalities that whatever changes may come will be minor and will be made with the sole intention of wringing out cost savings and synergies.

Here are a few preliminary ideas we’ve received from Jeff Zucker as well as Brian Roberts and our new family at Comcast Cable Systems:

 – Air times for CNBC’s various programs and segments will no longer be exact.  Comcast will now give viewers a 2 to 4 hour window in which to expect a show to come on.

 – Some programs, such as Power Lunch, will have their broadcast studios relocated to Transmission Facility Room B in scenic Harrisburg, Pennsylvania.  Personnel will be transported to and from tapings weekdays via the Comcast corporate shuttle bus.

 – All employees, including on-air talent, will be required to complete the mandatory six week Comcast training program which includes a master course on coaxial cable maintenence and set top box repair.

 – Jim Cramer will be expressly prohibited from recommending or endorsing the following stocks during the Lightning Round:  Time Warner Cable, Dish Networks, DirecTV and Verizon.

Again, these are just some ideas that are being kicked around by our new corporate partner.  Please keep all complaints and comments to yourselves for now.  They are valuing NBC as a whole at $37 billion, amazingly, so let’s not screw this up.

We appreciate your loyalty and hard work. 

Regards,

Mark Hoffman
President, CNBC
thehoffmeister@nbcuniversal.com

*clearly a parody, laugh a little before its too late